Dudes, hay! This is totally Coors Light.
So it takes Whiskey longer to get up from a nap these days, because of his “bad hawks” and also a bum stifle, fetlock, and pretty much bum everything, so I am totally taking advantage and posting this before he figures it out and tries to get up to stop me.
So a while ago, me and my bro Original Coors snuck through the fence when the hotwire was down, over to his Facebook Ranch, and asked what you guys REALLY want to know about Whiskey.
Me and Original Coors know ALL the dirt. Literally, we know dirt. Here’s some of it. If you like it, great. If not, whatever. We totally had fun doing this.
Is Whiskey a real horse?
Yep, he’s as real as me and Original Coors are! Sometimes he’s a little too real, like, y’know, “keepin it real,” but the cool thing – and you guys can never tell him I said this – is you always know where you stand with him. Like you never have to wonder if he’s going to bite or kick you. By the time it happens, you’ll totally know it’s coming because he told you for like at least 10 minutes before. I personally know where all his buttons are, and I like to push them. Me and him are cool like that. It’s a game we play, or well, I play. Whiskey doesn’t play games.
Is he really 30 years old?
We actually don’t know. But everybody says he is, and they say it’s like it’s true, so it must be true. I mean he’s got to be at LEAST 30. Also don’t tell him, but we like having him around even though he’s all bossy and “look at me, I’m Whiskey Ranch-Horse, a good horse ain’t never a bad color, neigh blah neigh blah…” So we hope he gets to be 31, or maybe even 36. Original Coors’ dam got be 36.
How are the bucket bunnies these days?
They’re bunnies, so they’re always good. Whiskey really needs to tell you guys more about them, because they’re really entertaining. And they’re not mean, or smelly, or annoying like a lot of the other critters on the County Island. Bunnies are cool.
What is the deal with Original Coors’ tail? Why does it curl around look so totally awesome? Does it help with propulsion make all the mares think he’s handsome?
Hi – this is the original OC, Original Coors! Your question was very rude, so I made it nicer. I have a fabulous tail that floats when I trot. All the mares in the ‘hood think it’s hot. Thanks for asking.
Is there really an island in the desert?
Is Whiskey really a double-branded warmblood as he claims?
If your definition is that he’s got two brands, and his blood is warm.
Was there ever really a barenekkid jogger, really now?
Sadly, there was. Like, he was a local LEGEND. People wear clothes for a REASON, you guys. Us horses got to see WAY too much of his reason.
How tall is Whiskey?
He’s 14.2 the day the farrier’s been overdue by like a week.
Why does Whiskey hate apples, or does he?
I think he’s got texture issues. He won’t touch them, at all, ever. More for us!
Is the “sweet talkin but evil vet lady” really evil?
She’s super chill and nice and we don’t know what his problem is with her. She’s not even semi-evil. She takes really good care of us, and once in a while she brings cookies or an apple. (But Whiskey hates apples; see above.)
Who’s the smartest one in the herd?
Obviously me, Coors Light.
Who’s the tallest?
Also me, Coors Light. I am 15.2 hands.
Who’s the youngest?
Original Coors is 22 and the baby. I’m 24.
Does Whiskey ever talk in his sleep?
NO! Thank GOD.
Do horses hear “laurel” or “yanni”?
No. That’s a really weird question.
Did you guys watch the Royal Wedding this year? Did Original Coors cry?
If it doesn’t happen on our road on the County Island, we don’t watch it. Coors cries a lot, though, especially when we go out and he gets left behind. We watch bucket bunnies get married all the time, if you mean something different by “get married” before they have a lot of little bunnies.
Is Coors Light really a bonafide national prancin champion?
Seriously, yeah! It’s a real thing. I wore red roses around my neck and everything. But nobody would let me eat the roses, which was really dumb and so in my fancy win pics I look totally bored and disgusted and like maybe I might eat the roses anyway. Man, I could really prance back in the day.
Can Whiskey foxtrot, since Texas A&M’s DNA test says he’s a Fox Trotter?
Only when he wants to.
Why are Arabians so much better than ranch horses?
Some things defy explanation. We just are.