Prison Food

20 Jan

As part of the public service I like to think I provide to my fellow ranch horses and horses all around the County Island and beyond, as well as to their people, I’d like to take a moment out of my day to yell y’all about a terrible abomination that’s been inflicted upon me and my horse-buddies Original Coors and Coors Light, of which ya should be aware, so as not to inflict it upon your own good horses. Consider all yourselves forewarned.

What it is is a terrible thing the thwarts a horse from eatin his own hay the way he’d like to. It makes a horse pull his hay real slow-like up from these kinda jail bars that run all across it, like your very own food’s been thrown in the slammer and ya got to jail-break it out or else your belly could likely starve to death. And it likely takes all day to eat from the thing, too, forcin a horse to peck slowly at his hay like some kinda giant, addled chicken.

For the record, I ain't no chicken.

For the record, I ain’t no chicken.

With this confoundin hay box contraption, ya can’t throw your hay onto the ground at all! Ya furthermore can’t spread it all around in the dirt, like a horse likes to do! In fact, it seems to prevent a horse from eatin’ from the ground — on purpose!

Sorry for neighin so loud, but trust me, it’s a bad and awful thing that none of y’all should perpetuate upon your own good horses. I never saw the likes of it on the ranch. I also never heard no ranch horses tell tales about it, and y’all would think there’d be at least one horse-legend floatin around about such a thing if it existed on the ranch, so it’s got to be some kinda new-fangled County Island thing, which is to say, a bad thing for horses.

Not me nor Coors nor Coors Light can pull the jail bars off the hay at all, yet for some reason, our bucket gal can. Believe me, we’ve tried. When we tried to turn it over to dump the hay out, we got the whole entire thing turned upside down, and then all the hay stayed in and hardly none of it dumped out for us to freely eat.

And when we kicked it to maybe kick all the hay out, we just made a whole lotta noise kickin at the sides of it. We’ve tried draggin it around on the ground with our teeth, too. I think I done made my mouth and my neck sore in the process.

I overheard it also keeps a horse from ingestin rocks or sand into his belly, which can cause the colic real bad. But, that’s a insult! I don’t eat rocks nor sand, nor does any other horse I’ve ever known. It’s hurtful that any person would think such a thing, like we’re so addled we can’t tell a tiny bit of a pebble from a bit of bermuda hay?

The contraption’s also got some people-words kinda engraved upon it. I’d like to read ’em off to ya now, so you’ll know what kind of feeder to NOT get for your own good horses, who surely deserve to fling their own hay all over. Did I mention how good us horses all are, and how badly we deserve to have our own hay free-choice, the way the good ranch hands intended for us to eat it?

Engraved upon the abominable contraption, it says this:

H  I  G  H

And then also C  O  U  N  T  R  Y

And that’s forthwith followed by a P  L  A  S  T  I  C  S.

Does that mean anythin’ to a person? It surely sounds like nonsense to me, but sometimes it’s the nonsense that can hurt an unsuspectin horse the most.

So, if a horse could make a review of such a thing in order for everybody and everyhorse to know about, this is all exactly what I’d make a review of it. In short, it’s the worst County Island people-made contraption I ever met. Well, except for this.

Free the hay. Feed the horses. That’s all I’m askin.

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Posted by on January 20, 2014 in Uncategorized


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