Dear Mr. Stephen Cole-Bear (“Colbert”),
Please kindly consider this here application of mine, which I am forthwith submittin’ to become the official Cole-Bear (“Colbert”) Horse Nation Spokeshorse for Dressage, the Official Summer Sport of 2012. I reckon this could be an assistant position to you as the Spokesman, so you could give the people information straight from the horse’s mouth durin’ the Olympic Games.
Full Name: Mr. Whiskey Ranch-Horse (“Whiskey”)
Address: The County Island (www.countyisland.wordpress.com)
Legal to Work in the United States: Yes, sir. And I am an honest workin’ western ranch horse who rejects all handouts unless they are hay, grain, carrots, cookies, or anythin’ else you can feed me in a bucket.
- I see horses perform competitive horse prancin’ near daily.
- I like beer.
- I got warm blood, just like Miss Rafalca, who is a “warmblood Hanoverian” horse.
- I got a brand on my hide, also just like Miss Rafalca. In fact, I got two brands.
- I can use the dressage word “piaffe” correctly in a sentence, thusly: “Hold my beer – I gotta take a piaffe.”
- I ain’t spooked by people wavin’ foam fingers and shoutin’, “USA! USA!”
- I’m good at standin’ still and makin’ observations.
- I got insider access to the sport by way of a bonafide national competitive horse prancin’ champion nicknamed Coors Light.
- Your position on Bears, Number-One Threat to America? – Well, I can’t hardly disagree with that, as a horse. We ain’t fond of bears, neither.
- I may know all the words to the “Seventh Inning Anthem of Dressage.”
- Fluent in Horse, English and Spanish; Semi-Fluent in Cow, Dog and Rabbit
- Purty golden palomino colorin’ looks good on camera
- I don’t tweet, myself, but I know some birds who do.
- Can help you round up a hundred head of cattle before breakfast
- I’ve been painted pink before, so bein’ painted red, white and blue would be agreeable to me
References: Likely available upon request