The Barenekkid Jogger

08 Mar

I’ve been noticing for a while now that the people that live on the county island obviously ain’t got enough real work to do, so they sometimes make up what’s called activities or hobbies to give ‘em something else to do that makes ‘em feel like they’re contributing. “Jogging” is one such activity. Barenekkid jogging, which I’ll get to shortly, is entirely another.

Jogging is what people do when they ain’t got a good horse to ride, and also they ain’t got sense enough to stand still or lie down and take a nap. It’s different than when us horses decide to kick up our heels and play for a few minutes. This would be, for an example, like one of the prancing horses deciding that he didn’t prance enough already all week long, and going out to the prancing arena and “schooling” himself for an hour, without his rider, so he could work on his “cardio” and his “fitness.” That ain’t gonna happen, am I right, prancey horses?

The people, they jog past our corral all day long, some of them in the early morning hours before they’ve even been tossed their breakfast, and then there’s a steady flow of ‘em going past all afternoon and evening long. If they had proper ears that they could pin flat against their heads to tell the world how mad they are to be jogging, all them joggers would pin their ears at me. I ain’t never seen a happy jogger like the way horseback riders, and people walking their dogs, or even people riding their noisy monster-horse-machines called “motorcycles,” are happy, smiling and waving. Sometimes I think they must be running from something, you know what I mean?

So I kinda don’t trust joggers. Original Coors shares my opinion on that. He always wants to ask ‘em: What are you running away from so fast that all you had time to put on was, apparently, your underwear instead of your proper horseback riding clothes, and – most important – did the thing you’re running away from eat your horse? But I don’t know if we want to know the answers.

Now, the barenekkid jogger is real, first of all. If you know me at all by now, you know I’m an honest horse. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. He’s kind of legendary around these parts, for his parts, if you understand what I’m saying. There’s horses whose sires and dams remember being told about him by their sires and dams. I’ve seen him myself more times than I’d like to recall.

The barenekkid jogger jogs through the rough desert where us horses go trail riding, wearing only a sun hat and some horseshoe-people-shoes called jogging shoes, jogging through all the places where a horse is likely to get scratched and poked by all manner of pokey things, including brush and cactuses that’s got names like Cat’s Claws and Prickly Pear and Jumpin’ Cholla, which ought to be your first clue. We got thick hides and a haircoat to protect us, plus we can always run our riders’ legs into the pokey things first. And most of all, we got common sense. It ain’t called horse sense by accident.

A barenekkid person is just soft and pink like a newborn javalina, with lots of loose bits flopping around, with no natural protection to speak of, all exposed to the sun and cactus, and rattlesnakes and scorpions, and Gila monsters, too. Now, that ain’t right in the head as far as I can tell, plus from what I hear my gal and her friends saying, there ain’t nobody on the county island who truthfully wants to see any of that.

So, why does he do it? Hard to say. From what I can decipher, it’s something he’s actually aiming to do on purpose. It’s not like he’s being chased by wolves, and didn’t even have time to at least put on his underwear like the other joggers wear. I also heard him called a “nature lover,” and the people also mostly don’t seem to believe that he’s a “pervert,” whatever that is. But I still can’t figure what loving nature’s got to do with running through pokey things in the desert nekkid like you’ve got an addled mind.

I ain’t seen him for a little while now, which is alright by me, but I can’t help but wonder if he finally got himself stuck or bit well and good, and in an unfortunate location. And by location I don’t mean the desert.

These are baby javelinas. Their pink parts is pinker in reality, just like the barenekkid jogger's. They're kinda cute 'til they grow up and get smelly. The javelinas, I mean.


And here's some *really* pink ones for ya. You can see why us horses don't like 'em much. This time I mean the joggers.


Posted by on March 8, 2010 in Uncategorized


12 responses to “The Barenekkid Jogger

  1. Roberta

    March 8, 2010 at 5:54 am

    “…A barenekkid person is just soft and pink like a newborn javalina, with lots of loose bits flopping around…” – too freaking funny!!!

    Reminds me of something actor, Jeremy Irons, once said about a scene he had to do for a movie which entailed running naked down a flight of stairs. He referenced “things” flopping every which way and it was one of the most unattractive things ever seen.

  2. Karla

    March 9, 2010 at 5:12 am


    Whiskey, where did your human find those baby javalinas? Did she take the photo?

  3. Whiskey B.

    March 9, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Roberta, no offense, but you humans have all got far too many floppy parts. I try hard to overlook the floppy because most of you are so well-intentioned, plus you feed us.

    Karla, I told her authoritatively, “Go get me a picture of some baby javelinas! And bring me a beer and a bucket of rice bran while you’re at it!” and then she took my eqPhone away from me and “did a google search” and found some babies. I got my bucket alright, but I’m still waiting for my beer.

  4. Karla

    March 9, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    “They’re kinda cute ’til they grow up and get smelly. The javelinas, I mean.”

    You said a mouthful there podner. I don’t think it would be a mistake to generalize that statement to everything in the peccary family.

  5. Whiskey B.

    March 10, 2010 at 12:43 am

    I’ve been told to tell you, “Well played.”

  6. Wendy

    March 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Can you add an RSS or Atom feed to your blog? I’d like to add it to Google Reader but I can’t find a link…

  7. zoe

    March 12, 2010 at 12:46 am

    is there really a barenekkid jogger on the loose? wow…

  8. Lisa Schwester

    March 27, 2010 at 9:17 am

    The barenekkid jogger! Ahhh. Now that’s country livin’. I give him credit for being so, ahem, out there with his proclivities… but how sad for him if he were to suffer and injury or heart attack while out running in nature. People would have to come to his aid and get close to him. Because, in my mind’s eye, he is stealthy and moves fast to avoid being caught. And if you see him, it’s almost a magical moment… “the legends ARE true!!”…it’s like being lucky enough to see a unicorn.
    I actually didn’t mean the double entendre with the “unicorn” statement.
    Y’know what I’m getting at, right? Right?


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